random brain dribbles of a nurse, novelist, and ninja enthusiast

How To Crap Your Pants Properly: A Guide To Understanding New Parents

You may have noticed my near absence at posting lately, but newborns destroy everything you previously knew about life. Those adorable little milk monsters eat every one to two hours with breaks for crapping in between. Thanks to extreme sleep deprivation newborns are a form of highly advanced torture second only to water boarding coupled with genital mutilation/electrocution. Other parents warned me about this, but one can never be certain of anything until it is personally experienced.

Don’t let the super cute milk face fool you, because in thirty minutes demons will possess her soul and cause her to cry uncontrollably.

Kids are a terrifying game changer and as I have recently begun to understand also a pants changer. Most of this pants changing is done in tandem with my newborn. Several weeks in we are self proclaimed experts at diaper changes, but this was not always the case.

Our daughter’s very first diaper change was met with excrement excitement and a growing sense of terror as both parents fumbled through the change only to be met with a second pants crapping situation only seconds later. We were elated and enlightened. It was a sign of improving nutrition for our daughter and our first taste of the unpredictability of parenting.

Hurray for feces!

Hurray for feces!

Pants crapping fear transferred from the womb to my arms as I held her delicate frame under the ever present fear of snapping her neck or dropping her onto the hard linoleum floor. Hours later when she slept in the bassinet next to us at least seventeen checks were required to ensure no surprises from sudden infant death syndrome. This along with thousands of other possible means of death are instilled into the rapidly beating hearts of every new parent.

Possible Means Of Infant Death

Accidental strangulation

Sudden Infant Death

Super secret unknown life threatening biological condition that exists despite what any medical professional or ultrasound technician has told you.

Ninja death pact

Demon possession

These are only a few of the possibilities as we embark on our new adventures as parents. Probably the most terrifying experience was the ride home from the hospital. Frequent mirror checks convinced me at least one of the four horsemen followed us most of the way home.

reaper drive

Note: One of the horsemen who cut me off looked surprisingly like a minivan with a calvin decal pissing on a Ford logo. He was by far the scariest.

Once home it was clear parenting transformed our once comfortable and enjoyable living quarters into a merciless death trap covered with implements of imminent baby destruction. All the corners seemed much sharper than we remembered and we had to ask ourselves why legendary intergalactic bounty hunter Boba Fett was seated at our dinner table and whether or not the predator alien would be complacent with a simple ham sandwich. I certainly hope so!

dangerous living room

For the last two weeks we have been marooned in this death house bleary eyed and terrified as we attended to the eight pound creature who completely overtook our lives. Any prospective parents out there should prepare themselves, because having a child is an amazing experience, but baby maker beware: kids are a crap ton of work!

11 Responses to “How To Crap Your Pants Properly: A Guide To Understanding New Parents”

  1. Mooselicker

    As if I needed any further reminders not to get a girl pregnant. This last week I ate a lot because I was at my dad’s. The best birth control is being single and fattening yourself up.

    Congrats again on the baby! The first sign of a good parent is how much they’re willing to share about their kid and you’ve done so already.

    Reply
  2. Polysyllabic Profundities

    She’s beautiful….I’m glad you’re still able to find the humor in parenting. I hope it will help keep you sane. I’ll stick with my dog….she’s already out of diapers!! 😛

    Reply
    • josefkul

      Actually, the diaper genie does an amazing job at masking smells and I have a poor sense of smell thanks to years of nursing. Maybe I was destined for parenting.

      Reply
      • Carrie Rubin

        Well, it masks it until it’s time to change it. At least that’s how it was over a decade ago. My husband and I used to fight over who’s turn it was to change it. But maybe they’ve improved the contraption since then.

      • josefkul

        My wife and I also fight about it until she points at her womb and points to the door. There’s nothing like the pains of childbirth to guilt you into shit duty. Still, I have virtually no sense of smell so by default I’m the garbage man in our household. Add the litter box with three cats and I’m practically drowning in feces.

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