You may have noticed my near absence at posting lately, but newborns destroy everything you previously knew about life. Those adorable little milk monsters eat every one to two hours with breaks for crapping in between. Thanks to extreme sleep deprivation newborns are a form of highly advanced torture second only to water boarding coupled with genital mutilation/electrocution. Other parents warned me about this, but one can never be certain of anything until it is personally experienced.
Kids are a terrifying game changer and as I have recently begun to understand also a pants changer. Most of this pants changing is done in tandem with my newborn. Several weeks in we are self proclaimed experts at diaper changes, but this was not always the case.
Our daughter’s very first diaper change was met with
excrement excitement and a growing sense of terror as both parents fumbled through the change only to be met with a second pants crapping situation only seconds later. We were elated and enlightened. It was a sign of improving nutrition for our daughter and our first taste of the unpredictability of parenting.
Pants crapping fear transferred from the womb to my arms as I held her delicate frame under the ever present fear of snapping her neck or dropping her onto the hard linoleum floor. Hours later when she slept in the bassinet next to us at least seventeen checks were required to ensure no surprises from sudden infant death syndrome. This along with thousands of other possible means of death are instilled into the rapidly beating hearts of every new parent.
Possible Means Of Infant Death
Sudden Infant Death
Super secret unknown life threatening biological condition that exists despite what any medical professional or ultrasound technician has told you.
Ninja death pact
These are only a few of the possibilities as we embark on our new adventures as parents. Probably the most terrifying experience was the ride home from the hospital. Frequent mirror checks convinced me at least one of the four horsemen followed us most of the way home.
Note: One of the horsemen who cut me off looked surprisingly like a minivan with a calvin decal pissing on a Ford logo. He was by far the scariest.
Once home it was clear parenting transformed our once comfortable and enjoyable living quarters into a merciless death trap covered with implements of imminent baby destruction. All the corners seemed much sharper than we remembered and we had to ask ourselves why legendary intergalactic bounty hunter Boba Fett was seated at our dinner table and whether or not the predator alien would be complacent with a simple ham sandwich. I certainly hope so!
For the last two weeks we have been marooned in this death house bleary eyed and terrified as we attended to the eight pound creature who completely overtook our lives. Any prospective parents out there should prepare themselves, because having a child is an amazing experience, but baby maker beware: kids are a crap ton of work!