random brain dribbles of a nurse, novelist, and ninja enthusiast

Not So Brilliant Ideas: Executive Golf Resort and Wildlife Preserve

Human beings have existed on this planet for a very short period and already we have destroyed most of the world around us. Everywhere we go we kill something new. We kill off plants and trees with deforestation, the o-zone layer through pollution, our own brains through drugs and all of television through ‘reality’ based programming. Let’s face it, humans suck. I can’t do much about the last two things, but I can help with our environment. We’re going golfing!

I had always thought of golfing as a boring sport reserved for the middle aged and recreationally challenged, but no more. Combined with help from wildlife preservation organizations and several local zoos your golfing venture has just gone on safari into the land of sporting awesome. That’s right folks, instead of bringing nature to golf we bring golf to nature. Imagine stepping onto the greens after a long and arduous day working as the executive of a major stock brokerage firm with a warm breeze and cold beers in your cart as you set up for the winning put and suddenly…


Barry the snow leopard says, "I like my golfers upper middle class with a dash of pretentiousness".

Barry the snow leopard says, “I like my golfers upper middle class with a dash of pretentiousness”.

Out pops a man eating snow leopard!

How much more enjoyable is your golf watching experience when sand traps are complemented by poisonous hooded cobras.

This mulligan is murder!

This mulligan is murder!

or that otherwise harmless water hazard with a swarm of bloodthirsty great whites.

I recommend just taking the penalty stroke!

I recommend just taking the penalty stroke!

With a combination of ESPN, Faces Of Death, Discovery Channel, and Nat Geo Wild your boring golf excursion has become television gold. I imagine commentary would go something like this:

Announcer 1:

“Today’s match up has definitely been an exciting one for you sporting fans and we have had some major upsets. Just earlier an endangered Great White ate Greg ‘the shark’ Norman and a tiger mauled Tiger Woods.”

Tiger mauled by Tiger

Announcer 2:

“Now that’s jungle justice for you. I guess the only question remaining as we await for the victor of our first annual World Wildlife Federation Jungle Classic is will the spaniard Sergio Garcia navigate his way through the sand trap full of cobras into victory.”

Announcer 1:

“I don’t know Ron, but I’m sure as hell tuning in with the rest of America for the final winning line up and isn’t that snow leopard adorable.”

Announcer 2:

“Too true Jim. That little guy is so cute I would even look past that vicious murder he just committed back on hole thirteen. Let’s hope his wildlife handlers agree, because I would really like to see more of him next season.”

Golfing has now become a fantastic sport anyone could watch. Plus the added challenge of golfing around salt water crocodiles and the occasional wildebeest carcass makes for some amusing and unpredictable game play. We could even take this a step further and improve all of humanity by including reality television stars in our first celebrity golf special.

Could you imagine how satisfying it would be to see the entire cast of the Jersey Shore or the housewives from any major housewives city get eaten alive by nature. What better way to protect our endangered wildlife than to allow them the opportunity to endanger the reality television lives we had previously only dreamed of destroying. I don’t know about you, but I’m in.

I’m currently taking donations for this exciting wildlife preserve/golfing paradise. Just leave a comment below with your credit card information and we can all be one step closer to saving our precious wildlife and hours of boring television.


6 Responses to “Not So Brilliant Ideas: Executive Golf Resort and Wildlife Preserve”

    • josefkul

      As well you should be. Just last week I tee’d off the hood of a cobra on the back nine. It was awesome!

  1. kylemarcellus

    This might actually get me interesting in golf! No longer a boring elderly pass time, now an exciting adventure sport!? Maybe I should start looking at clubs..


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