random brain dribbles of a nurse, novelist, and ninja enthusiast

Hypocrisy Is The Hallmark Of Parenting

me eating donut

Both my wife and I are scheduled for induction today (finally!) and a growing revelation has surfaced as we approach the terrifying world of parenting; I’m quickly realizing hypocrisy is the hallmark of parenting. The phrase ‘do as I say and not as I do’ dribbles through the lips of every parent and we are no exception. Preceding our baby’s arrival, my wife and I have subsisted almost entirely off fast food as we languish at home watching hours of mindless television. I’m prone to occasional rampant cursing and maturity has never been my strong suit, but this will all change in less than forty eight hours.

In forty eight hours a man with far more vice than value will embark on the world of parenting with clear and evident knowledge that his entire life as a father will be a complete and total lie. Granted, I’ve never done hardcore drugs, have an excellent academic record, and I’ve never been convicted of any felony, but when my future daughter confronts me about my behavior, l’ll lie like hell.

“Daddy, did you eat all your vegetables.”

“Of course honey, vegetables are delicious.”

“Daddy, did you ever swear.”

“Of course not honey, daddy is a perfect angel who would never curse.”

“Daddy, I thought angels only lived in heaven.”

“Adeline, shut up and eat your vegetables.”

This is how most conversations with our future daughter Adeline will proceed as I continue forward with the farce of fatherhood. We’ve already begun living this farce. Several days ago we sat down at the table and had a nice family meal.

We never do this. Outside of parties our dinner table is never used. We eat so many meals under the glow of our television it has classically conditioned me to salivate whenever the jingle to our favorite programs ring through my ears. Pavlov would be proud.

That day each of us sat slightly taller under the heavy pile of dust underneath our chairs as we pretended to enjoy the meal while sneaking glances at our television. It was a delicious meal completely overpowered by the distaste of unfamiliar territory. I couldn’t help but wonder about future meals.

Will the family dinner ever taste normal? Will we gravitate back to our television? The answers to these two simple questions have profound implications guiding the rest of our lives as parents, but I’m not concerned. When it comes to changing your life parenting is more powerful than Lent, New Years, and any other force on earth.

All of these forces are momentary ideals with expected conclusions, but parenting is forever. The answers to expected outcomes of simple questions have plagued me for several weeks as we continued to wait for our baby’s arrival. They continue to plague me now, but the answer to one of these questions will be quickly answered in less than forty eight hours when we have our first sit down meal as a real family.

9 Responses to “Hypocrisy Is The Hallmark Of Parenting”

  1. Mooselicker

    Wait so is this your first kid? For some reason I thought you had a bunch. Someone willingly married you??? I’m kidding. Congrats to you both.

    • josefkul

      A lot of people think I have a bunch of kids. It must be the Bab Saget nose in combination with my glasses and high widows peak. I can’t remember, but there may have been at least one shotgun involved so willingness on my wife’s part may be an over statement. I think our future kid is pretty good marriage insurance, though.

    • josefkul

      Thanks, I’m sure the journey will be an exciting one. Less than five hours before we check ourselves in and start it too!

  2. Animockery

    Best wishes dude! I remember the first time and it is crazy and scary and exciting all rolled into one event. Nothing will compare to holding that slimy little mini you after it pops out. Oh, it sounds strange but if they offer to cut the cord do it, I did for all three of mine and it is some weird reality zone.


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