random brain dribbles of a nurse, novelist, and ninja enthusiast

Why Fist Of The North Star Will Make Your Balls Drop

Set in a post apocalyptic future where technology is destroyed, but kung fu skills remain completely intact, Fist Of The North Star is an epic tale of continuous fighting starring Kenshiro, the bastard love child of Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee after swallowing a gallon of steroids. Picture a less wussy version of Mad Max. In other words, it’s pretty much the manliest thing ever made.

Every segment of the plot was designed around action. Despite taking place years in the future, all remaining buildings are made entirely out of brick or concrete to provide ample opportunity for the lead protagonist to shatter them with his fists. I’m not an expert on nuclear explosive devices, but I’m pretty sure concrete or brick buildings would be one of the first things to go post nuke.

Kenshiro doesn’t merely punch people in the throat, but punches through people’s throats to send them flying into fifteen brick buildings before their heads explode seconds later. I don’t care who you are anyone’s testicles will drop and swell up fifteen sizes larger than normal after watching this film.

Growing up in a strict and conservative military household, it was the forbidden fruit of violence. We loved it. We were about eight years old when it was released and our parent’s wouldn’t even let us watch the Gremlins, but this movie with exploding heads was perfectly okay with them. Every time our mother would walk in questioning the movie’s content we would unanimously retort.

“Don’t worry mom, it’s just a cartoon.”

Five seconds later someone’s head explodes. It was great.

Decades later, it still holds a place in the hearts and minds of anime fans the world over, because of its unique style of excessive manliness. For this reason, it has become a fan favorite among YouTubers. Type in Fist of the North Star or manliness and thousands of videos will pop up with parodies from the film. Here are some of my favorites.

Darth Vader singing a song from Fist of the North Star

Fist of the North Star can enhance any situation. Take the Mario Brothers for instance.

Bearded Kenshiro reminds me of another favorite cinematic epic of manliness, Rocky IV. To show you how similar these two movies can be I have provided you with pictures of both bearded Kenshiro and Sylvester Stallone.

Note: I couldn’t find excellent beard photos so both pictures were taken from my own movie collection using the iPhone.

Each movie culminates in a final redemptive battle, where the slightly less steroidal lead protagonist fights against an oversized giant freak of nature as both discover the deeper meaning somehow hidden underneath all the excruciating pummeling. Both movies represent a pugilistic piece de resistance of testosterone infused awesomeness, but only one has lead stars who walk through concrete buildings they unnecessarily smashed down with their own fists.

Feel free to skip forward one minute to witness a small taste of why this movie is the manliest thing ever created, but stop thirty five seconds after this if you don’t like seeing heads explode. Can you imagine the writing involved in the creation of this masterpiece of manliness.

Writer #1: How many buildings should we have the lead protagonist smash through?

Writer #2: At least two.

Writer #1: Are you sure that’s enough?

Writer #2: You’re right, let’s have him casually walk through the second building to overly dramatic cinematic music before punching through the skulls of like six guys.

Writer #1: perfect.

This movie makes the Transformers films seem like understated Disney features starring Peter Pan’s Tinkerbell. Michael Bay would probably be fired from any of these guys desks after his first day.

Japanese writing team: Does Optimus Prime ever shatter the earth’s crusts with his robot fists.

Michael Bay: Uh, no. That would be ridiculous.

Japanese writing team: You’re fired!

What do you guys think. Do you have any excessively manly movies to share or are there any movies you consider the antithesis of manliness? My vote is on this one.

Free tutu! Yes please!

Free tutu! Yes please!

Leave a comment below!

Also take note that my super epic new project is in full swing and the featured image at the top is but one of the many delights you will soon get to witness.

6 Responses to “Why Fist Of The North Star Will Make Your Balls Drop”

  1. shaneshaman

    Mad Max 2 was also a pretty good manly post apocolyptic rampage! (Had to use exclamation marks to say that! Makes my comments more manly!)

    Reply
  2. goldfish

    FOTNS is pretty manly. There’s a Sonny Chiba movie (I can’t remember which) where he cuts off a man’s manly bits and feeds them to a dog. That’s pretty manly.

    Reply
    • josefkul

      I salute you Sonny Chiba, nothing asserts dominance like serving up another man’s genitals on a platter. Were they served a la mode?

      Reply
    • josefkul

      Glad I could be of service. Unfortunately, despite years of watching this movie and extensive neuro education for my job working with stroke patients, I have yet to see a spontaneous head explosion. I’ll keep you posted.

      Reply

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