random brain dribbles of a nurse, novelist, and ninja enthusiast

Dr. Whoterus or Why My Unborn Daughter Is A Time Lord

Uterus Poem

The wife and I pace and we fume and we fuss

As we sit here at home now forty weeks plus

Why the hell won’t our daughter leave the uterus!

I’ve recently come to the determination that my wife’s uterus is a Tardis. It’s the only logical explanation. We’re beyond forty weeks now and still no baby. I’ve been told the uterus is a cramped and uncomfortable biological closet, but my wife’s must be a palatial resort with free HBO and room to spare. Why else would our daughter continually refuse to leave it.

Fun fact: my wife's fancy, multitiered uterus includes free HBO. Note fountain located in mezzanine.

Fun fact: my wife’s fancy, multitiered uterus includes free HBO.
Fountain located in mezzanine.

Obviously, my wife’s uterus is capable of twisting time and space to accommodate both a growing baby and all the luxurious amenities preventing our daughter from leaving it. The only thing I know capable of twisting the fabric of space and time is a tardis. For those of you unfamiliar with the tardis, it’s the machine used by Dr. Who to travel through time and space.

Forget 4G this baby does 4D!
(fourth dimension, time not available in all networks)

All of this is evident when we are exposed to the machine for the first time to witness the contrast between its cramped exterior and luxuriously spacious insides. According to the series, this machine can also take on any form. If it can take the form of a police call box then why can’t it also take the form of my wife’s uterus.

The protective amniotic fluid alone would be well worth the conversion. As an added bonus, threatening space aliens would be far less likely to attack a pregnant woman’s uterus. I can’t be positive, but I feel punching a guy with glasses or punching a pregnant women’s uterus are both considered universally and intergalactically unacceptable forms of conduct. Any executives from BBC should probably be taking notes right about now.

Even better than the possibility of traveling through time and space is the further possibility that my daughter is a time lord. These guys never seem to die, but are merely reborn in an entirely different form throughout all of the seasons. Previous iterations of time lords have taken the form of a fully grown adult male, but why not a tiny baby girl.

Future time lord?

Future time lord?

My daughter could be a tiny goddess of time travel, screaming through different time streams and the outer reaches of space. Her adorable, baby sized sonic screwdriver could fix not only the universe’s problems, but also garner her fame as the first female time lord (lordess?).

Fun fact: sonic screwdriver also doubles as a rattle.

Fun fact: sonic screwdriver also doubles as a rattle.

I can’t wait! I’ve always wanted to time travel and hopefully my daughter will be gracious enough to let daddy hitch a ride. It’s the least she could do for making mommy and I wait so long for her arrival, but how can I blame her. She probably has loads of time lording stuff to do. Besides, how do you give time outs to someone who has complete control over time itself.

24 Responses to “Dr. Whoterus or Why My Unborn Daughter Is A Time Lord”

  1. She's a Maineiac

    Oh, she’s a lordess, all right. She will rule all. She already does. My daughter decided to arrive three days shy of 40 weeks. I knew how far along I was right down to the second. With my son, I was close to 39 weeks and resorted to mowing the lawn to get him to vacate. It didn’t work, but the lawn sure looked purty. Congrats on the upcoming arrival! (she will come out eventually, trust me)

    • josefkul

      If she’s anything like her mom, she will definitely rule all. It’s my biggest fear: a tiny miniature wife who can tag team with my own wife for control of the debit card.

      I’ve also seen some of those lawns in Maine. I’m surprised you didn’t pass out before mile marker three. Most of my Maineard relatives have to use John Deere tractors. You’re one tough mom!

    • josefkul

      Thanks! Keep checking the history books. Somewhere out there will be a picture of me holding my daughter as I kick Hitler in the nuts. Hopefully, our nut kicking adventures through time don’t cause any major tears in the fabric of space and time itself.

  2. The Waiting

    Those uteri are definitely pretty cozy. I don’t remember myself but my own gal seemed to really like it in there, although she didn’t make time stand still like yours is doing; she was a week early. So yeah, she’s for sure a time traveler. Hang in there. She is going to be here in no time and you’ll wonder how you ever lived without her ;D

    • josefkul

      Thanks, when we tell most of our friends with children how anxious we are they keep reiterating just how much we might want to stuff our daughter right back inside. Personally, I don’t care if our daughter destroys our social lives as long as she does it will being adorable. Hopefully, this mindset will carry me through her teenage years.

    • josefkul

      True, just because it’s science fiction doesn’t mean it’s not science. Obviously, my wife having a magical uterus is the only logical explanation. Our daughter will probably exit via unicorn. I’ll keep you posted.

  3. becomingcliche

    I have discovered that the surest way to get the little beggars to leave their nest is to make unbreakable plans, preferably plans that cost a significant amount of nonrefundable money. Good luck!

    • josefkul

      Making reservations to Seattle’s most expensive restaurant as we speak! I’ll be sure to put the receiver of our phone nice and close to my wife’s womb when they confirm these reservations. Thanks for the tip!

  4. Em Kelisvig (@EmKelisvig)

    Having waited around until week 42 (knowing even then it was the answer to life, the universe, and everything), I have no advice for you. For your daughter, I have this: tell your folks you were worth the wait. My mom brought it up until the day she died (yes!) and my dad at 81 still reminds me.

  5. jimmydevious

    Har!! This is too funny…babies are parculiar little goober creatures anyway, so why CAN’T they be Time Lords? Seems pretty durn plausible to me! 🙂


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