random brain dribbles of a nurse, novelist, and ninja enthusiast

Not So Brilliant Ideas: lady bits trimming your locks.

The following completely shameful story is true. 

Those of you following my Not So Brilliant Ideas series know how many excellently horrible ideas I’ve had throughout the years. Most of these have been based primarily out of farce and not fact, but a grooming tale by Go Jules Go reminded me of an entirely true tale of idiotic woe.

It was several months after our wedding and like most newly weds, I was buzzing with happiness and an overwhelming sense of financial doom. Weddings aren’t cheap and we were both desperately trying to get a jump on our financial futures after falling down the marriage pit. The fall was a long one.

Over ten thousand dollars later we were planning our honeymoon on what seemed to be a Campbell soup and Top Ramen budget. Being the financially responsible cheap bastard that I am, I was looking into any conceivable way to save money. Cue lady bits trimmer.

This incredible device already did wonders for my wife’s downstairs region and it seemed only natural these benefits would translate just as well to the upstairs region. I was wrong.

Genitals only please!

Genitals only please!

A moments hesitation was immediately overpowered by a quick glance at our bank statements and pubic hair trimmers were looking better by the minute. My wife assembled the trimmers and as she approached I could hear its murderous hum whisper in my ear.

lady bits trimmer

The first swipe across the nape of my neck was immediately followed by a sharp howl. It was my wife who was reacting to what had clearly become one of the biggest mistakes we would ever make in our marriage. I found a hand mirror and twisted it around to assess the damage.

A huge strip of hair was missing from the bottom right portion of my rear neck. It was a disaster, but an isolated and potentially controllable one. We switched guards and made a second approach near the top. The guard proved too big. It was unable to keep the hair lengths even around the curves of my scalp and so we switched guards again. Four guards later and this is the byproduct of our at home hair cutting adventures.

I'm too sexy for my scalp?

I’m too sexy for my scalp?

Does this friar haircut make me look catholic?

My wife was mortified. She felt horrible and shifted between shock and uncontrollable laughter as we immediately raced to our cameras for pictures. The next day I dragged myself over to the nearby Great Clips to see what, if anything could be salvaged.

The hairstylist looked at me and attempted to maintain composure as I relayed all the events leading up to my arrival at her chair. Ultimately, the hair required a zero guard and delicate razor work, but the memory lives on through every photo of our honeymoon where I was balder than even adult Charlie Brown could ever be.

I look like someone who just returned from a long tour in Iraq or blasted through seventeen rounds of extremely intensive chemotherapy. You choose.

Disclaimer: Enjoy these horrible pictures of me while they last, because I will be smiley censoring all subsequent posts. 

Let me know if you have any horrible haircutting stories or even a not so brilliant idea of your own you would like to share. Leave a comment below!

23 Responses to “Not So Brilliant Ideas: lady bits trimming your locks.”

  1. Polysyllabic Profundities

    I tried the “home hair cut” at age 5. Somehow I found some craft scissors and thought I could give myself the perfect cut. The result looked like I had stuck my head in a blender!! The resulting solution was a cut not much longer than the one you are sporting in this picture. My cute little girl curls never grew back. 😦

    Reply
  2. josefkul

    Apparently, they do have guards. Unless those tiny trimmers were meant for toddlers, it was made very clear following several hours worth of attempted haircutting that they do not work well upstairs. I’m not sure why you would need guards, but maybe there is some unknown genital based bonsai trimming fad I’m unaware of.

    Reply
  3. 1tric

    My husband, the tight accountant, bought a set of clippers. Obviously cheap, when turned on lights dimmed and the noise was deafening! It was so frightening we all stood around shaking our heads. He hovered for awhile, gently touched his neck , turned if off and went to the barbers!

    Reply
  4. josefkul

    Maybe I need to start re-evaluating my life decisions when a professional tight wad accountant manages to see beyond finances to the follicular folly of do-it-yourself home haircutting.

    Reply
  5. The Waiting

    When we first started dating, my husband used to do the cheap-o shear too although it wasn’t with any lady-bit trimmers. If it had been, I don’t know if I could have gotten it out of my mind.

    Reply
  6. My Mushy Brain

    What’s built for the coochie should remain on the coochie. LOL. Great post. I came here for a quick distraction and found a laughing moment too.

    Reply
  7. josefkul

    ‘What’s built for the coochie should remain on the coochie’ Awesome! Remington should put that phrase on all their products from now on.

    Reply
  8. josefkul

    My wife did get me some professional hair trimmers recently and we plan on making a second attempt. So, I guess we do have his and hers trimmers, but like everything else in our house these will probably just become unisex community property anyways.

    Reply
  9. Jason Preater

    I cut my ex-wife’s fringe once. I pulled down the hair like the stylists do and launched into it boldly. What was left sprung up leaving an acre of forehead and she wore a scarf for three weeks after. How much does a haircut cost? Whatever you pay it’s worth it!

    Reply
    • josefkul

      I only pay twelve dollars. I’m so cheap that this was expensive to me. Thankfully, mother nature is slowly but surely taking care of this problem as my hair retreats backward year by year. Hopefully, several years from now I will be bald. I’m pretty sure you can’t screw up bald.

      Reply
  10. No Blog Intended

    I like the way you had the guts to tell this :D.
    My worst haircut took place when I got my braces and bad taste of clothes. And guess what, pictures were taken. For important stuff. So I had to show this pic to people.
    Bleh.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Basic HTML is allowed. Your email address will not be published.

Subscribe to this comment feed via RSS

%d bloggers like this: