Hello everybody. My name is Josef and I am an appaholic.
The Daily Prompt has once again inspired me and today I am going to start by admitting I have a problem with phones. This wasn’t always the case.
Before the smartphone I rarely used them. The release of the flippable Razor changed this only momentarily as I flipped it out at every conceivable opportunity to impress all of my friends who were clearly never impressed. It was like the BIC lighter of phones. Every time I flipped it up I had an unsubstantiated James Dean level coolness.
It was my first exposure to the possibility of the phone as a personal plaything or novelty item, but phone frenzy had not fully formed. A lot of this has to do with texting.
I hate texting. I think it’s impersonal and extremely lazy. If you don’t want to expend the effort and time to actually talk with me then you’re not worth my time, but my very impersonal relationship with the phone changed with the release of the iPhone.
I was first introduced to this amazing
sex toy phone while watching coworkers play the game Bejeweled during a break.
“Wow, that game looks pretty cool can I play,” I ask, completely unaware of future repercussions.
He handed me his phone and thirty minutes later I was headed to my local AT&T dealer in search of an iPhone. That day my whole world had changed. Despite a previous hatred of all things phone, I was looking into the possibility of surgically fusing the iPhone to my earlobes with a separate iPhone fused to my right hand. I might as well, it pretty much permanently resides in either of these two locations on a near constant basis and it’s all thanks to the app.
I hate phones, but I love apps. Even after my wife intervened and removed thirteen apps from my phone, I still have over seventy three of them. At least two of these apps I use at work and the rest are useless pieces of technology that mean the world to me. I have flashlights, rulers, real news, fake news, dictionaries, Craigslist, and even applications for stocks despite never wanting anything to do with Wall Street. What’s wrong with me?
For some reason having something in appy form increases that items usefulness a thousand fold for me. Real flashlights will always work far better than the flashlight app on my iPhone, but I still continue using it and the app destroys your battery. If I were ever stranded at night in a roadside emergency, I would flip up my flashlight app and completely ignore the flashlight conveniently stored in my glove compartment for emergency purposes as my wife looked on glaringly while our hopes of rescue disappeared along with the battery life on my phone.
Even the ruler app is idiotic.
Why do I love these apps so much? I don’t even drink beer, but I have an app for that as well. It’s called iBeer and it provides all the novelty of beer drinking minus its embarrassing late night after effects. For an example of how awesome this app can be I have provided you with the following YouTube video I just created.
Clearly, I have a problem.