random brain dribbles of a nurse, novelist, and ninja enthusiast

Daily Prompt: Call Me, Maybe and Why I’m An Appaholic.

Hello everybody. My name is Josef and I am an appaholic.

The Daily Prompt has once again inspired me and today I am going to start by admitting I have a problem with phones. This wasn’t always the case.

Before the smartphone I rarely used them. The release of the flippable Razor changed this only momentarily as I flipped it out at every conceivable opportunity to impress all of my friends who were clearly never impressed. It was like the BIC lighter of phones. Every time I flipped it up I had an unsubstantiated James Dean level coolness.

Want a light? I've got an app for that.

Want a light? I’ve got an app for that.

It was my first exposure to the possibility of the phone as a personal plaything or novelty item, but phone frenzy had not fully formed. A lot of this has to do with texting.

Safety first!

Safety first!

I hate texting. I think it’s impersonal and extremely lazy. If you don’t want to expend the effort and time to actually talk with me then you’re not worth my time, but my very impersonal relationship with the phone changed with the release of the iPhone.

I was first introduced to this amazing sex toy phone while watching coworkers play the game Bejeweled during a break.

“Wow, that game looks pretty cool can I play,” I ask, completely unaware of future repercussions.

He handed me his phone and thirty minutes later I was headed to my local AT&T dealer in search of an iPhone. That day my whole world had changed. Despite a previous hatred of all things phone, I was looking into the possibility of surgically fusing the iPhone to my earlobes with a separate iPhone fused to my right hand. I might as well, it pretty much permanently resides in either of these two locations on a near constant basis and it’s all thanks to the app.

I hate phones, but I love apps. Even after my wife intervened and removed thirteen apps from my phone, I still have over seventy three of them. At least two of these apps I use at work and the rest are useless pieces of technology that mean the world to me. I have flashlights, rulers, real news, fake news, dictionaries, Craigslist, and even applications for stocks despite never wanting anything to do with Wall Street. What’s wrong with me?

For some reason having something in appy form increases that items usefulness a thousand fold for me. Real flashlights will always work far better than the flashlight app on my iPhone, but I still continue using it and the app destroys your battery. If I were ever stranded at night in a roadside emergency, I would flip up my flashlight app and completely ignore the flashlight conveniently stored in my glove compartment for emergency purposes as my wife looked on glaringly while our hopes of rescue disappeared along with the battery life on my phone.

If this was a picture of me at night, you would have to subtract the tow truck.

Even the ruler app is idiotic.

This highlighter is exactly 5 and 1/4 inches long or about two plussish according to my i-phone.

Why do I love these apps so much? I don’t even drink beer, but I have an app for that as well. It’s called iBeer and it provides all the novelty of beer drinking minus its embarrassing late night after effects. For an example of how awesome this app can be I have provided you with the following YouTube video I just created.

Clearly, I have a problem.

12 Responses to “Daily Prompt: Call Me, Maybe and Why I’m An Appaholic.”

  1. Mooselicker

    I don’t have the time or patience for apps, but I understand why other people would like them. I’d rather remain off the government’s radar. Every app you download gives them more reason to want you dead or so my grandpa tells me.

    • josefkul

      I’m not sure what the government will get out of me. An outside observer looking into my phone will just think I’m just some jerk who likes to play word games and can kind of do your stocks. Does this qualify me for work within the CIA?

  2. Combat Babe

    I love the fact that apps track your location when even running in the background. Perfect alibi or terrible truth. Some apps now ask your permission instead of just saying they are going to do it so I just let them.

    • josefkul

      I love how they ask for your permission even when it is implied by the application being used. My navigation app continues to ask me if its okay for them to use my current location. Of course you idiot! Do you think I got this app for decorative purposes.

      • Combat Babe

        Hahaha!! That is tres bizarre. Navigation is trendy, becoming less exclusive so maybe they do think you’re just trying to look cool. It may also tie into data usage, I can imagine you use a crap-load of data. 😀

  3. She's a Maineiac

    I hate texting too. Also, talking on the phone. But apps? yeah, I’d be sunk. Clearly I need to stay away from this iPhone you speak of. But if they finally came out with an app that would write my blog posts for me, I’d be game.

    • josefkul

      I know what you mean, I’m still waiting for the circuits I can plug directly into my brain from the Matrix movie. They would be extremely useful for blog posts. I could blog while jacked into the Matrix as I drive. Unfortunately, most of my posts would just be angry rants about how much I hate traffic.


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