random brain dribbles of a nurse, novelist, and ninja enthusiast

I suck at massage. A Lamaz story.

Edward Baby Hands
(self portrait)

Conversation on the way to Lamaz

Wife: Do you think there will be any unwed mothers under the age of seventeen.

Me: No

Wife: It’s free with DSHS

Me: Okay, six.

I suck at massage. A Lamaz story

After eight full hours of birthing class I learned that I’m a horrible masseuse. I’ve known this for years, but our recent class solidified it through the not so silent suffering of my wife under my not so nimble concrete fingertips. For those of you unfamiliar with Lamaz, it is a class in which you breathe erotically and awkwardly massage your partner in a room full of complete strangers.

A room full of judgmental strangers was a welcome change from our normal massage routine at home, because it was nice to have both supervision and a handy reference from the perfect couple next to us. Their successful massage induced groans enhanced the awkwardness of the situation as I attempted to physically assault my wife’s back with my hands while practicing their massage techniques. These two were also pimples away from being teenagers and their age only pissed me off more after reflecting on what little I have learned about massage in my thirty plus years of existence. To exemplify just how horrible my massages are I have provided you with the following handy, animated visual aide…

Okay, this wasn’t an animation about me at all and is just a YouTube video I found with random segments from the Fist of the North Star, a post apocalyptic coming of age tale about a deadly massage therapist in his ultimate quest for redemption, but the point still stands: I suck at massage.  My hands are implements of destruction waiting to pounce on the next unwilling recipient of their deadly, poisonous touch.

Edward Baby Hands
(my self portrait)

Hours of attempted massage later, I was closer to accomplishing the Vulcan death grip than I was at soothing any part of my wife’s fatigued pregnant body.


Several weeks have passed since my wife and I have taken this class and no improvement has been shown with baby scheduled to arrive at any moment. I can only assume she is delaying her arrival to prevent her mom extra torment at my incapable fingertips, but still I stumble onwards. After all, that’s what dads do. Besides, my wife has plenty of back up.

For more unintentionally hilarious Fist of the North Star action check out this other clip from the extremely horrible live action movie. I realize the movie has nothing to do with massage, but it sure is fun watching people’s heads explode.

4 Responses to “I suck at massage. A Lamaz story.”

  1. mostlikelytomarry

    Such a great post. So funny. I had to pass on the whole head exploding thing, don’t want nightmares as I head to bead 🙂 I am sure it was awesome though. As for the writing, very entertaining.

    Wishing you and your wife much luck with the birth and baby.

    May your wife find comfort in knowing that it’s the though that counts. . . right? Or maybe not 🙂

  2. josefkul

    I don’t know. I think it’s only the thought that counts when telekinesis is involved. Maybe the sole limiting factor towards any type of massage enjoyment for my wife is my complete inability to telekinetically massage her. I’m such a failure. Oh well, thanks for the encouragement!

    • josefkul

      Thanks! We’re both pretty excited and that kid has had a free ride in my wife’s belly long enough! I hope this isn’t indicative of her future twenty something self. Either way, it’s time she faced the real world.


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