random brain dribbles of a nurse, novelist, and ninja enthusiast

Tutankhamun was the Kardashian of yesteryear.

My wife and I recently visited the King Tut exhibit at the Pacific Science Center in Seattle and the experience was an enlightening one. I learned the pharaohs were both tiny and adorable.

This tiny bed was so cute!

But mostly, I learned King Tut was probably the lamest pharaoh to ever exist. The discovery of his untouched tomb by Howard Carter in 1922 was his single greatest claim to fame and mere discovery is hardly an accomplishment, unless of course you’re this guy…


Tombs back in the day were ransacked more than the cocaine villas of Noriega or all of the apartments in north Hollywood. That’s a lot of ransacking, but somehow Tut’s tomb remained intact. Tut can thank an early death at the age of eighteen, complete and total anonymity, and an unmarked bland (by pharaoh standards) tomb. What kind of pharaoh has a completely unmarked tomb you may ask. A complete and total douche that’s who!

According to Smithsonian Magazine Howard Carter believed Tut’s unpopular ruling father Akhenaten was encouraged by his advisor Ay to make Tut a puppet pharaoh. Could there be anything more condescending than the word puppet anything.

Puppet Tut sits on a throne of wooden lies!

Puppet Tut sits on a throne of wooden lies!

Inside, Tut’s tomb was littered with weapons and a wooden chest contained a picture of him charging into battle with bow and arrow drawn as he stomped all over hordes of Nubian soldiers. Despite these pictures most historians believe he never even touched a battlefield.

Tut’s decorative chest of deceit

People (see: well read and accomplished archaeologists) may cite the succeeding pharaoh Horemheb’s complete removal of Tut from all written records in the interests of escalating his own personal accomplishments as the leading cause of his obscurity, but we all know the truth. King Tut was a useless public figure who soaked in the successes of his forebears while contributing absolutely nothing and Egyptian society had to bury him. In other words, Tut was the Kardashian of yesteryear.

For those of you unfamiliar with Kim Kardashian, she is the vapid celebrity heiress whose skills involve looking pretty while keeping herself upright in high heels as she cat fights with her sisters, and finding herself facedown in whatever sex tape she happens to be starring in. The possibility of my future child becoming Kardashian aware troubles me. Women the world over have suffered through years of hostility to get the opportunities they now have and yet an alarming majority of them still give Kim Kardashian an A+ at life. I don’t get it.

Why are we as a society letting people like this win. She continues to taint my internet experience as her omnipresence swallows all of my internet enjoyment whole. Every night my well educated wife sits at her bed and pops up People online or whatever celebrity website she enjoys and there she is. All across the world accomplished women everywhere are clicking on their televisions and powering up their laptops to catch a glimpse of a woman who in my opinion has accomplished nothing.

People (idiots) may point toward her status as a designer/actress/television star and talk about how talented she is, but people who are forward slash anything tend to suck at everything. Yes, she is successful as a television star, actress, and designer, but unless you are the few individuals (see: Bo Jackson) who have worked hard to achieve a high level of skill in multiple fields then you are probably just popular and little else.

Would anyone put her at the same level as Georgio Armani for fashion or Jodi Foster for acting? Popularity and celebrity worship are the fuel that fires the popularity of all the products spewing from these shit factories and they are polluting our environment. It needs to stop.

This might as well be a picture of the magazine rack next to the checkout counter of your local grocery store.

This might as well be a picture of the magazine rack next to the checkout counter of your local grocery store.

Someday my wife and I will lecture our daughter on the importance of higher education as the tool to make all her dreams come true while the latest issue of People magazine ironically displays the faces of whatever Kardashian clone exists in that era. The irony of her potential increased popularity as I blog about how horrible she is as a human being is also not lost through the hazy fog of my hatred of all things celebrity. It’s a self perpetuating cycle of popularity. There is no such thing as bad publicity. There is just publicity.

We as a society need to take a history lesson from ancient Egypt and stop investing our time and resources in these Housewives, Honey Boo Boos, Kardashians, and any of their future clones. They should all be erased from our historical records and buried deep in an unmarked tomb no future Carter can reach. We need to stop feeding off the entrails of our celebrities and start looking outward for our admiration. If not for our daughters then at the very least for the sake of my future TIVO. I thank you. So does my TIVO.

Thanks guys!

Thanks guys!

Note: the very top featured image is a photoshopped compilation of various royalty free stock photos from Morguefile, and dreamstime.com

2 Responses to “Tutankhamun was the Kardashian of yesteryear.”

  1. List of X

    I wonder why there isn’t a Tutankhamun’s sex tape. Could it be that the succeeding pharaoh Horemheb’s, while trying to remove all records of Tut, erased that tape too?

    • josefkul

      Better yet, I think Horemheb was directly involved in whatever sex tape papyrus equivalent existed in that time period and was probably attempting to erase all records of its existence. Obviously, he kept a copy for personal enjoyment under his bed and it’s only a matter of time before historians uncover it. New Indiana Jones movie perhaps?


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