At the yearly color counsel, all the world’s colors converge to discuss pigmented politics. Cue debate…
Red: At the top of the visible spectrum of light on any rainbow and with the longest wavelength, I feel it only natural that I begin these proceedings.
Violet, who has always been petty and self-conscious about his extremely short wavelength and placement at the bottom of the visible spectrum of light turns to yellow.
Violet to Yellow: Red is such an arrogant prick.
Yellow (under her breath to Violet): Will you shut up!
Violet: No, I will not! That asshole Red thinks he’s such hot stuff. Just because you look like fire, doesn’t make you hot!
Yellow: Yes it does! He’s one of the primary colors and as much as he is an insufferable dickhead, your existence is kind of contingent upon his survival. So shut up before you get us both killed!
Violet: Whatever Yellow! Just because you’re the color of urine, doesn’t mean you need to get all pissy about everything. Still, the last thing we want to do is piss off one of the big three. We all know what happened to Burnt Umber.
Yellow: Burnt what?
Red: Before we begin, Black has something to say.
Black: Why does all the negative shit have to be black!
Green: Black, if you could please refrain from cursing within this counsel.
Black: I will not refrain! You’d be passionate too if people kept negatively associating every stupid event with your dark namesake. Every year we come to this counsel and I ask myself the same questions. Why do all the evil things have to be black. Why is the evil market called the black market? Why does someone have to be blackballed, why is the mail used to frame people black, why are black sheep the worst members of any family and why is the worst crash of all time given the distinction Black Tuesday? Why not just Tuesday.
Green: That was powerful black. Black, you are the Voltron of colors. You are the combination of every color in this room. We are all a part of you and you are a part of everyone in this room. Each of us needs to reach inside of ourselves for the part of us that is you and unleash our own blazing swords of respect and tolerance as we slice away at the negativity unfairly predominating much of your tainted existence.
Black crying: You guys are so amazing. To think you would have the foresight to use a beloved nineteen eighties television program to metaphorically describe the deep and profound love and respect you have for me is simply beyond words. I love you guys and I really love Voltron.
All colors: We love you too black!
… inconsolable crying interlude …
Blue: You guys have often referred to me as ‘true blue’ and know that I always pride myself on truth and honesty. I can honestly say we are all proud to have you in our counsel. You’re my boy Black.
Blue continues: Now let’s talk about a member of this counsel who has yet to contribute anything. A member who year after year garners favor with the public with positive associations including: knighthood, light, and the heavenly realms themselves, but is essentially a formless non-entity. Of course, I’m talking about white.
Consensual nod among colors
Blue: White, do you have anything to say for yourself.
Blue: White, you are a vapid, pathetic excuse for a color and member of this counsel, who contributes nothing year after year. You’re like the Kardashian of colors. You have no real purpose in society, yet somehow manage to remain popular despite being an empty, formless whore. Can you say anything to defend yourself.
Blue: Why do we even classify you as a color if you are merely the absence of all colors. Do you know how I put the color white onto paper. That was a trick question, because I don’t. People may use you to represent ‘holiness’ or ‘purity’ but there is nothing actually whole about you. You are the void of all color and all things awesome in this world. As such, we the counsel vote to remove you from all color classifications and future proceedings. All those in favor.
A round of consensual nods and a rainbow of hatred is directed towards White who sits at the counsel ignorantly picking at his stupid formless face.
All the primary colors (Blue, Red, Green): White, get the hell out of here! Great, now that’s settled, on to Fuchsia. Are you reddish-purplish or purplish-reddish. Make up your mind already. It’s time to shit or get off the pot.
Remember, only the blazing sword of respect and tolerance can fight color discrimination. Oh yeah, and whitey sucks!
To learn more about the science of colors behind this post, please click here!