For my birthday this past year my wife gave me a Kindle and after one month, I have finally determined it’s sex…
It’s a girl!
You may wonder how one determines the sex of an inanimate object seemingly incapable of reproduction, but consider these are the last two novels I have read and feel free to make any determinations from there.
The first book chronicles the life of Mindy Kaling and the outside cover of her dressed in pink, surrounded by a wallpaper of ornate glass vases enclosing white roses, immediately retracted my penis into its now concave domicile. The first paragraph of her book outlines this clearly…
“Thank you for buying this book. Or, if my publisher’s research analytics are correct, thank you, Aunts of America, for buying this for your niece you don’t know that well but really want to connect with more. There are many teenage vampire books you could have purchased instead. I’m grateful you made this choice.”
You would think this would have deterred me from continuing. After all, I hate books about teenage vampire romance (sorry, Twilight fans) but I continued onward far more resolute than before. I’m not a conformist! How dare you book, tell me who to be and what to read. Yes, I’m a man, but I’m just as in touch with my feminine side as the next guy. I’ll show you book. I’ll read this entire thing and then we’ll see who has the last laugh. The book did. Conclusion: no man should ever buy this book.
Seriously, you will just expose yourself to two hundred pages of testosterone trampling estrogenic torture. Imagine your worst obligatory spousal mall trip and stretch that out over an entire novel and you will understand why this book is impossible for anyone without two X chromosomes. Why I ever thought this experience would be any different is beyond me. Her almost ubiquitous use of the word ‘like’ unnecessarily inserted into the book as both adjective, adverb, noun, and noun modifying a separate noun only adds to this torture. Not that the book is bad, but anyone who doesn’t appreciate the inner workings of the female mind will not appreciate this book (see: all males in the history of manliness).
To link to this book on Amazon (where I obtained this picture), please click here
The second book provided an entirely different experience. For those of you previously exposed to the twisted mind of author Jenny Lawson through The Bloggess, her extremely popular website chronicling all of her various exploits as both mom and author know this book will be excellent. She has an engaging voice and comedic style distinctly her own that sings throughout her blog and this is no different in her memoir, Let’s Pretend This Never Happened. The novel chronicles her life and provides terrifying and always hilarious insights into the life events culminating into the person who embodies the internet phenom she is today.
For those of you worried about the state of my manhood, rest assured that Michael Ian Black’s book My Custom Van and Scott Snyder’s American Vampire series that I am currently reading should help tip the scales back toward testosterone. I’ll keep you posted on my soon to be unisex Kindle.