random brain dribbles of a nurse, novelist, and ninja enthusiast

Attention Deficit Disorder Denial

Earlier on in my childhood a doctor’s visit diagnosed me with ADD.  I immediately protested and anyone can see why after seeing the all encompassing test used to diagnose this disorder. No offense to any trained psychologists, but anybody at the age of sixteen could fail this thing. Here are a couple sample questions to demonstrate this point.

Test: “Do you sometimes find yourself distracted at school?”

Me:  “Of course, have you been to school? It’s boring!  No, more than boring-it’s dry-as dry as a nun’s vagina or Death Valley during Christmas”

Test:  “Do you sometimes walk downstairs and forget what you just did?”

Me:  “What are you kidding me?” “Is this a rhetorical question?”  “All the time…in fact…wait….what was the question again….huh….where the hell am I?”

Test:  “Do you sometimes find yourself day dreaming at school?”

Me:  “Everyday, all day, right now, even just a few moments ago.” “This can’t be wrong, though. After all….this…is who I am….a dreamer.”

When my results returned it was undeniable, I had attention deficit disorder.  No, actually, more appropriately, I had attention deficit disorder denial.  For years, I convinced myself that all my mental ramblings were normal and refused to treat my situation any differently.  Later, I finished four years of college and somehow, by the grace of God, found my way into the working world as a God fearing, tax hating, contributor to the American dream.  But attentiveness and focus have always been distant strangers to me.

I’m sure this affected many aspects of my social life growing up and if, while talking, I appear to be staring through you like Superman through walls, I’m sorry.  Believe it or not, I am listening to you and that inanimate wall over there, while thinking about your thing, my thing, and everything in between.  To get a better grasp of what it’s like to be an ADD kid I will enlighten you on a typical day of high school history.

Teacher:  “George Washington was one of our founding fathers and his contributions are forever etched in the annals of history.”

Me:  “Hmm….annals of history……annals…anal…..hahaha…..annals sounds like anus…..hmm…..anus of history…….that’s weird…….etched is a weird word too……hmm……etch-a-sketch……..God, I love those things………I wonder who the best etch-a-sketch artist is/was….maybe there is some sort of Michelangelo of magnets somewhere and right now he is creating the Sistine of the sketch…awesome….wait…..how do those things work…..do they work on magnets….another toy I like is that bristly magnet, mustache man….he was fun….wait….what is the teacher talking about…oh yeah….George Washington….wow, he had weird teeth…..seriously, wood….ouch……did his gums bleed from splinters……you know who else had weird teeth……JAWS…..not that shark Jaws, but he had weird teeth too…….metal mouthed, big, burly, bad boy of Bond….hmm……that would be weird if he ran for politics…….JAWS for President….Although, I don’t know if he could even speak…..come to think of it….did he ever say anything….God, could you imagine the political debates…..so, metal mouth or jaws or whatever you’re calling yourself these days……what is your position on global warming and the current nuclear missile crisis in North Korea……grrrrrrrrr……..hold on…….could you growl one more time……thanks, Jaws……wow, I can see my own reflection in your teeth…..oh, man I shouldn’t have eaten so much corn…..hold on…….keep growling…..better yet….smile……thanks……wait, not yet….there……GOT IT.

To further illustrate the difference between normal thought processes and attention deficit disorder I have also provided you with this handy visual aide.

Thought process normal

ADD thought

ADD 2

Long live thunder!

Long live thunder!

Obviously, you can see why I feel as if ADD is not as serious a problem as people make it out to be. I mean, did you see the drawings! Why would I want cats, when I can have  Raiden! So please, put the medication down and remember: pills =lame cats and ADD = Raiden.

Note: This was originally posted on my old website on 9/8/2012 and I am reposting some of my older posts as I make the slow transition of my website over to WordPress. I will still also post new daily current updates. For one such update, you should check out my latest post Trampled On Nation.

2 Responses to “Attention Deficit Disorder Denial”

  1. Sandi Ormsby

    This is freakin awesome! I don’t have ADD, but I do have thoughts like this, so perhaps I was never diagnosed. Everything you wrote, I TOTALLY followed… teeth, splinters (thought the same thing), jaws dude…all he did was grunt…jaws scariest show to a kid…electrocuted…stupid cats. Raiden = awesome! Wait, how long was I dayzin’ out?

    Reply

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