A birthday party pulled me towards a nation within our nation far more dangerous than any nation on earth. It was a nation where five year olds and fractures frolicked along fields of fabric into the open arms of the nearest immovable structure. These structures were often met with the now mangled faces of trampoline patrons and the elated faces of litigious parents hoping for newfound riches. No riches will be found for these parents as waivers preceding one’s entrance into this bouncy death gymnasium are some of the most extensive I have ever kissed with the tip of my pen.
Consider, that I work in a hospital where procedures ripping a man’s chest cavity apart are consented to with two signatures and a quick prayer and you can see the growing concern I had upon entering the place. The waiver was six pages long and after signing your life away you are then escorted to a separate area where you must watch a fifteen minute safety video to ensure the proper level of terror has been instilled. This is great when ages and sizes vary widely from morbidly obese guy who miraculously performs complicated gymnastic procedures (sorry, no picture) to waif thin, malnourished adult male with undiagnosed brittle bone disease (yours truly).
It was also an incredible marketing strategy for no grip trampoline socks. What person won’t choose fancy, no skid socks over slippery bare feet after spending thirty minutes filling out paperwork and watching movies designed to make you fear every square inch of their facility. I’ve been to this facility twice now and already have two pairs of socks, but I’m not complaining. Skid free socks are expensive.
Both my sick parents have been in need of these socks at one point in their lives and costs vary outside the hospital from ten to thirty dollars. Yet somehow Trampoline Nation only charges you two dollars! Why the hell isn’t every hospital purchasing exclusively from Trampoline Nation. It would be a win win for everyone involved.
We could get socks at a fraction of the cost and Trampoline Nation gets to advertise for their facility through the cool looking logo on the bottom of every patients’ unstable feet. Hospitals in turn would get a steady flow of spinal patients streaming through their emergency rooms. This is excellent for business. Trust me when I tell you, hospitals are financed through the fractured hips and misaligned spines of eighty year women. Orthopedics is king and we’re always in need of new subjects for them to lord over.
Fortunately for us, no business would be sent to the local hospital from our wayward group of equilibrium challenged adults on the precipice of middle age. Post birthday, we somehow managed to leave with spines mostly intact and my niece had an excellent time (clearly evidenced by the picture below of both her and my sister).
Still, the event was not entirely without its faults which you can clearly see in the enclosed video below. Don’t worry, nobody died!