Moving and Marriage
My pregnant wife and I recently moved and the experience was an enlightening one. I quickly learned with each passing moment that moving makes you a total dick. Within the first few minutes of moving my wife and child’s safety were paramount in importance, with even the smallest of objects scrutinized for their potential ill effects towards mother and child, but by the end expediency and exhaustion overpowered reason and respect. I found myself looking at objects the size of a grand piano as I contemplated whether my projectile vomit prone wife might be able to move them.
“It can’t be that bad,” I thought to myself, gazing at the mastodonian size pieces of furniture littering the floor of our apartment’s living room. “After all, don’t women get that mom driven super strength, allowing them to lift cars and boulders off children and family pets. Hell, she should be moving all this by herself.”
The importance of safety also decreased with time and by the end I found myself leaping down stair cases with open boxes of knives ripped from the floor of our apartment in erratic, jerky movements. To help exemplify these points, I have provided the following helpful graphs…
Moving and Friendship
Friends have always been relied upon to help us move. Ironically, moving also provides us with a very reliable tool to re-evaluate our friends. There is nothing worse than arriving at someone’s house to help them move and finding what looks like a Turkish flea market on half off Tuesdays. Stuff is scattered all over and flattened boxes are strewn about as soon to be ex-friends frantically slather them with tape and proceed to stuff every conceivable object inside.
The bed in the living room remains fully intact, kids are playing with unpacked legos on the floor, various complex electronic devices are sending signals to their television that is in turn transmitting signals through a complicated and intricate tangle of wires to their fully intact stereo system while your sanity instantly unravels.
No attempt has been made to prepare for your arrival. Your friends will claim ignorance and dramatically blame busy schedules, the builder of the new home they are buying, how their landlord is a dick, etcetera, despite asking you to help them move over a week ago and extensive knowledge of the finer plot points of various popular television shows airing during this same time period. For this reason, I have compiled the following graphs.
Note significant decline in friendship at thirty three boxes. No matter how courteous they are with their boxing, no friendship is worth this much moving!
Upward Mobility and Moving
Why Being Born Rich is Awesome
Upward mobility has long since been the primary reason for the mobility of objects and people. As we chase the American dream our objects follow close behind. The poorer you are the truer this is. If we are born rich we inherit a big home, which we then exchange for an even bigger home, or just stay the hell put. If we are middle class we move from an apartment to a home, then to a bigger home, then to a nursing home, then to a funeral home. If we are poor, we move from a sewer drain, to an underpass, to a crack house, then to a halfway house, then to a one bedroom apartment in an unsafe neighborhood, then to a larger one bedroom apartment in a better neighborhood, then to a two bedroom apartment, then to a nursing home, and finally, to a funeral home. To exemplify this, I have provided the following graph
(Originally posted 8/23/2012)