random brain dribbles of a nurse, novelist, and ninja enthusiast

The Complimentary Mask

Before we begin, I must stress an important point: the mask itself is not complimentary. This mask will be expensive. There will be nothing free about this mask. This mask which I am in the process of developing will cost every nurse thousands of dollars per patient usage. I repeat, this mask is not free. You may balk at this seemingly excessive cost, but I think after reading the entirety of this post we can both agree it is more than reasonable. In fact, I may be undercharging.

The Complimentary Mask (version 1.0) is a mask able to translate even the most vulgar or vituperative patient diatribe into the sweet sounds of complimentary compliance. So, the real question you should be asking yourselves is how much wouldn’t you pay for this mask. The benefits toward nurse well being and overall patient satisfaction clearly compensate for its overwhelming cost. For example:

Last night we had a patient who continually threatened the nursing staff and called one of our newer nurses a “whorey cunt” while simultaneously taking a swing at her. This flustered the newer nurse and put her on edge for the entire night as the rest of the nursing staff remained at the patient’s bedside to continue enduring a steady stream of screaming and profanity forever dribbling from his mouth.

This agitated the entire floor and frightened many of our other patients, but with my specially designed mask our whole night would have been greatly improved. Using the latest in voice modulation software the mask translates even the worst verbal assault into a symphony of love and affection. The words “whorey cunt” travel through powerful circuitry located inside the linings of the mask and escape through the other side as “thank you for all the service you have provided me and know that you are the single greatest nurse the human race has ever witnessed” while simultaneously releasing a powerful anesthetic gas.

The more agitated or abusive the patient becomes the more effective the mask becomes as it simultaneously modifies both the insults and patient behavior. Deluxe editions of the mask also come with pre-programmed soothing music. This music can be changed to accommodate both seasonal and personal preferences. The words “f*cking bitch nurse” instantly translate to “you are an amazing nurse who provides exceptional service I am clearly undeserving of” as Tchaikovsky’s Dance Of the Sugar Plum Fairies plays in the background in honor of the Christmas season while a powerful anesthetic gas is released.

Now that you have heard what my new mask is capable of how much would you spend for this exciting new piece of technology. Obviously, I am not charging enough for this mask. I think we can all agree that even our lady of the lamp, Florence Nightingale would concede defeat to yours truly as the single greatest contributor to the profession of nursing in all of its history. I thank you for your time.

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