I had never considered the possibility of ever owning a machete. Machetes are the sorts of things you rarely see outside the hands of coconut farmers, psychopaths, and the occasional jungle survivalist. Thirty plus years ago, I was just a skinny middle class white kid who grew up in a boring middle class white neighborhood and now I’m a skinny middle class white adult in a boring middle class white neighborhood.
Somehow, I had gone full circle and boomeranged back to my banal bourgeois birthright. It’s a depressing revelation, but when you want to put more bang in your banal there’s nothing better suited for slicing through the mundane drudgery of middle class existence than a machete. So how did this pasty faced boring, middle class white guy end up in possession of a machete you may ask. Well, it all started with marriage.
Our photographer encouraged us to have some fun pictures for our wedding and I of course, instantly associated the word fun with the word gun, but since these are frowned upon at most social settings outside of the deep south we eventually settled on ancient weaponry. (see enclosed photos below!)
The weapon pictures were a huge hit. After getting passed around to different bridesmaids and grooms like a trampy pointed whore, the machete managed to sneak its way into several more pictures culminating in our cake cutting ceremony. The machete was a mainstay. The couple who let us borrow the machete (FYI most of the other weapons you see here are also from their collection) eventually gave it to us. It was clear to them the machete was now family and keeping any child from their family was just plain heartless. He had become the pointy, overprotective brother Adeline never knew she had.
What they couldn’t have also suspected was just how much use it would be getting following the wedding. Any man can attest to the overwhelming urge to pick up large sharp objects and swing them around irresponsibly. Women do not underestimate this urge! Spend many long hours thinking about anything you may purchase for your husband falling within this category. I can assure you, they will use it!
Cue two weekends ago in my garage:
Having moved into our house for two months now and with my wife in full nesting mode as we prepare for baby Adeline, we were collecting an ever growing pile of cardboard boxes in our garage. Since we had been married almost a year to that day, I could tell Mr. machete was getting lonely as he languished unhappily at the back of our smelly garage and not next to our bed where every loving child should be. I was being a neglectful parent and it was clear he was in need of serious machete playtime and some TLC (tender loving cutting). Plus, as a responsible and caring environmentalist I simply could not let a giant pile of un-recycled cardboard go unchecked.
Reaching down, I wrapped my hands around his gentle waist and hoisted him up to my own waist level where we geared up for the first swing. The machete slid right through the cardboard with satisfying ease. At first cuts were cautious, but soon cautious moved to crazy as we raced around the garage swinging at every piece of errant cardboard. Pieces of box flew everywhere and the resulting Box Massacre of 2012 will forever remain infamous within the annals of our family’s history.
My man machete love was burgeoning into a full blown machete romance. Whenever there was a chore involving cutting, out it would come to the rescue. Somehow anything a machete comes in contact with just becomes that much more manly and exciting. Case in point: all the pictures below.
Without the machete, I’m just some dork standing in front of his gym
Machete picture tip: For added effect, sling the machete over your shoulder and stare wondrously up and to the right at absolutely nothing at all.
Having used this tool feverishly (is there really any other way to use machetes) for the last month or so I can assure you, no other tool comes with quite the same pizzaz or productivity a machete provides. It is the ultimate multi purpose tool and can be used to cut hair, cardboard, steaks, and all the other cutlery now rendered useless by the purchase of your machete. I mean, is there anything that screams fine dining like a table full of machetes (not recommended for family gatherings in which alcohol is consumed). Still, the sad truth remains that this wonder cutter will forever be entangled only with bushmasters and butchers, but at least one machete has managed to escape this fate and has found itself a family.
You too can make a difference!
Help fight machete melancholy by running to your local sporting goods store to adopt a machete. Together we can fight the common cut and bring back this tool/weapon/dangerous plaything a brand new life outside the sporting goods section.
Leave a comment expressing your love for machetes! We could be machete brethren!