Have you ever heard the phrase, paint the town red? Well, several days ago we decided to paint our office red. Although not nearly as taxing as an entire town, the whole process proved equally hellacious. Hell, another interesting association with the color red. The flames of hell are red and Revelations seventeen references a scarlet beast or red dragon (How to spell Satan, R-E-D). Even ancient Egyptians associated the color red with the evil god Seth, god of chaos, and wrote the names of hated people in red. This same evil red presence grew within me alongside each successive brush stroke. Three coats of paint and I was only just beginning to see the stuff smooth out. Ultimately, six hours of painting was necessary to accomplish the task and when the last brush stroke was completed and everything was put away, the color red still teased me with scattered red blotches blemishing my white trim. Red, you are a bastard.
Apparently, I’m not the only one who agrees. The color red was associated with a bastard in Nathaniel Hawthorne’s novel The Scarlet Letter and is still considered the color of danger, from the biohazard symbol harboring some of the world’s deadliest diseases to the stop signs located at every street corner. It is also present all over my office to warn people how crappy I would paint their rooms. Still, as much as red seems evil, it is also the most badass of all the colors.
Red sits on top of the rainbow, establishing its dominance above all the other colors where it rightfully belongs. Some may call this science and reference the colors frequency and wavelength (red has the longest wavelength and the lowest frequency) but we know the truth, red rules! Red is the most primary of the primary colors causing other colors to be either secondary or primary by association. ROYGBIV should just be R plus other stuff. It is a powerful color enhancing emotions found at opposite ends of the spectrum from extreme anger (have you ever been red with rage?) to deep love. Shakespeare once said, what’s in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but paint that shit red and no booty will be your treat! Okay, maybe he didn’t say that, but he should have.
The rose has been around since before the ancient Greek goddess of love Aphrodite purportedly gave the rose its name, but unless you are expressing your love to Jesus on Easter Sunday, then you had better nix the colors white or yellow and just stick with red. Red is the color of the human heart which has become associated with love and human attraction since Adam’s heart skipped its first beat after first gazing upon Eve. Your face could become red with embarrassment or your cheeks may become flush with red upon seeing a loved one, but if you become blue in the face then you should probably direct yourself to the nearest emergency room or outside of Willy Wonka’s experimental blueberry flavoring division. Red is so powerful, merely standing next to it can make you appear sexier or improve your social standing. This has been proven by science.
Women standing next to or in front of the color are considered more attractive than those who aren’t and men appear to have a higher social status. If you are wearing red lipstick, men will look at your lips just a little while longer and if you happen to be waitressing at the same time, give you bigger tips. Just ask Chris De Berg who wrote Lady In Red or the countless other songs written about the color red. The whole topic makes me want to throw up 99 Red Balloons in celebration or putz around town in my Little Red Corvette. Politicians have caught on to this as well and while navigating through the complicated world of bureaucracy, cut straight through the red tape, bypassing all other insignificant colors of tape to get to what the public needs. We could talk about red until we were blue in the face, but why bother. Red is awesome.
For those of you boring enough to be interested in my office painting job, check out this picture…