It’s confirmed, we’re having a girl. Looks like I’ll be writing that menopausal manifesto after all, but before manifestos comes martial arts. It’s one thing to scare off would be suitors by blowing up a watermelon with the shotgun hiding behind the hallway closet, but explode that thing with your bare feet and a well placed spinning roundhouse and you’ve struck terror in that boyfriend’s heart for life.
“Oh, sorry,” you say nonchalantly, kicking a tiny apple off the tip of a samurai sword you happen to have in your backyard, “I didn’t hear you come in the front door.”
Everybody who is aware of stereotypical paternal roles (and believe me, I’ve watched a lot of sitcoms) knows that at some point every father will be required to put some lecherous jerk off boyfriend in their place.
The first question that comes to mind is which martial art to choose. I have a limited amount of time and short of quitting my job to engross myself in all of them, will need to pick the one most suited for her would be suitors. Obviously, I will need to find something meeting all my requirements in one neatly packaged form of carnage.
#1 Genital strikes
I need the type of genital striking sure to strike fear into the hearts (and sacs) of all teenage boys. The kind of strikes scaring away sperm cells and sexually transmitted diseases in a single, well placed blow. A simple sweep online and I was very pleased. There was clearly a vast knowledge of violence against the vas deferens. So far, things were looking good.
#2 Contains at least one or two paralyzing blows or death strikes
For years, rumors have circulated of single strikes capable of paralyzing or killing a man (and all I need it for is a boy) with a single blow. When we were kids we stumbled upon just such a book entitled simply, The Dim Mak and many others, all devoted to the strike of death. We attempted these on each other, but to no avail. Alas, unsuccessful in this childhood endeavor, we will all have to wander the world enjoying life as complete and total failures. Still, there is enough evidence given Amazon’s seven different books with hundreds of pages between them to suggest the strike does indeed exist. Dim Mak you will be mine! Now I just need to find a blow erasing all forensic evidence of murder.
This is just a small taste of what Amazon has to offer!
It’s only fair I provide the link to this exceptional piece of nonfiction so here it is…
#3 Incorporates weapons (Because fists alone just won’t cut it)
#4 Non Lethal (ha, ha, just kidding!)
#5 Counter terrorism (In case the boyfriend thinks he has any chances of retaliation)
Just in case my daughters future boyfriend is a budding Hannibal Lecter in training, I must be prepared for all contingencies. Which country has been in constant battle for years ensuring vast knowledge of counterterrorism and hand to hand combat? Well, Israel of course! Furthermore, what Israeli martial art encompasses all of the items on this list…
For years, Isreal had been a punching bag for much of the known world, but in the mid nineteen thirties Imi Lichtenfeld, a Hungarian/Israeli martial artist tired of Nazis, Egyptian pharaohs, and an entire world seemingly bent on their destruction, decided it was Isreal’s turn to fight back. He designed a system of combat entirely devoted to street fighting and counter terrorism. The name itself, literally translates to hand to hand combat in Hebrew and thanks to years of unresolved, biblically inspired fighting has been adjusted and refined for the last sixty years to the limb shattering perfection it currently embodies.
Note: you can find out more about the history of Krav Maga thanks to a History channel series entitled Human Weapon.
The next time you think all Jews are just stand up comics, lawyers, and tax adjusters, simply fly on over to Israel and naturalize yourself. Once naturalized (Warning: naturalization may be more difficult than described) you will be instantly transported to the nearest military training facility where you will be trained for months and thrown into the unforgiving streets to fight off Palestinians and dismantle the occasional explosive device. Enrollment within the Israeli Defense Forces is mandatory and involves at least three years of service for both men and women. Yes, Israel is one of the few countries providing equal access to military training for both men and women (Come on America! Let’s get on this already!). Trust me, underneath that clean cut jewish lawyer of yours is the heart of a powerful and well trained killing machine.
Thankfully, for cowards such as myself, access to this training can be found outside of the mean streets of Isreal and in our own backyards. Mere minutes on google and I found Krav Maga Seattle. The website for the system was very promising. There were many photos of women mercilessly kneeing or striking men in the groin (see criteria #1) and several seconds of sifting through the site reassured me that the limb breaking, arm locking, and eye gouging standards of Krav Maga’s major governing body, The International Krav Maga Foundation would surely be maintained. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have several life sized cardboard cut outs of boy bands set up in my garage for training, because my daughter will eventually drag me to one of their crappy concerts and someone’s getting punched in the face (hint: it won’t be me!).